An Thinkable Tragedy

***Warning*** This post contains an emotional and detailed recount of a fatal motorcycle accident. This post may not be appropriate for all readers, so please use discernment in choosing to read.

It is so easy to forget how fragile life is, how every thing can change in just fractions of a second. How one decision can forever change the course of your life and the lives around you.

Friday afternoon we decided to take the children for a drive. It's one of our family's favorite pastimes. We love to drive around the countryside, the boys look for trains and tractors (which they always see plenty of) and we enjoy getting to know our area. This drive was just like so many others before it, we wandered through the country and ended up somewhere we had never been before. It was just like any other weekend afternoon. We were excited to have a three day weekend ahead of us, it was a beautiful day, we were listening to a cd of our favorite hymns.

We saw a steeple of a church sticking out from behind a hill surrounded by hay fields. When we got a little closer we realized that it was the steeple of this huge church. We commented on how odd it was to see such a large church just in the middle of no where. We decided to go take a look. We drove into the church parking lot, chatted about how interesting it was, talked about how strange it seemed to have this massive church with hay bales in a field right next to it. We noticed that across the street there was a very cute house for sale, it was in a cluster of houses, just four little houses on a culdesac. We wanted to see if there was a flyer. We are still getting a feel for the area around it, and are always curious about pricing. We pulled up to leave the church parking lot. There were cars passing by so we waited. We were both surprised at how busy this little country road was. We waiting for what seemed like forever, and then it was clear. I remember specifically looking out of my window to double check. We started across the road. We were about three quarters of the way across when I saw him. A blue motorcycle hurling towards us. "Watch out!" I cried out. And then a thunk. It sounded just like that, "thunk". It wasn't nearly as loud as I would have expected. It took my mind a second to process what had just happened. "Oh my God, he hit us." The doors were locked and I couldn't get out. We both scrambled, struggling to remember how to unlock the doors. We got out. "Where is he?" I thought. I looked down, his motorcycle has at my feet. I looked to my side, and saw him, just laying there right outside of Jacob's door. He was just laying there, on his side, as if he was sleeping. I said to my husband "Call 911". I heard him making the call. "I think he's dead." he said. He was struggling to tell the operator where we were. I looked up and saw a road sign behind him. I told him the name of the road. The operator said she could find us through our cell phone. My husband came over and kneeled by the man and said "We need to pray, just pray Melly". He started saying the Lord's Prayer. I knelt down and put my hand on the man's shoulder. It all seemed so strange, he wasn't scraped, he didn't even look hurt. At first there wasn't even any blood. Where was the help, why weren't they here yet? Oh my goodness, the boys. Are they ok, did they see anything? They had been asleep, but the collision woke them up. Oh thank God, I think they didn't see anything. I hurried back to the car to check on them, my husband was still praying with the man. The boys were fine, a little dazed but fine. "I'll be right back", I told them. I turned to go back to the man, I looked down at my feet and saw the stream of blood trickling towards me. I saw the man start to breathe again, as my husband was praying. I felt so helpless. I couldn't do anything. I kept feeling so torn between wanting to stay with the man, and wanting to go to my children. But I knew the children were ok, so I knelt back down by him. I just put my hand on his shoulder. I wanted to do something. I wanted to pick him up and hold him the way I do when my boys need comforting. I wanted to make him stop bleeding. I wanted to somehow make it better, but there was nothing that I could do. So I just kept my hand on his shoulder and prayed. Help finally arrived, it seemed like forever, but it may not have been. I stood up and stumbled back to my seat in the car. I just sat down. Everything was a blur. Firemen, paramedics, police officers. I could see the flashing lights of their vehicles. The boys were being so quiet. I looked back at them, "Look, firetruck Mommy."Jacob said. They were all just sitting there. A paramedic came over to me and knelt down to talk to me. He asked me if I was ok. "I'm not hurt." I told him. He was so kind, he spoke so gently to me. He checked on the boys. I saw them put the man on the stretcher, I diverted Jacob's attention away, as it was right outside of his window. A fireman cam over to talk to us. They were taking our information, the children's names and birthdays, they took our vital signs and asked again if we were ok. I was shaking, I felt like I was going to throw up. Everything was spinning around me in a blur. Just focus. My husband was on the phone to the insurance company. The police officer needed to talk to him to find out what happened. My husband handed me the phone. I'm not even sure what the lady said, but then she had transferred me to someone else. I needed to press "1", where are the numbers on this phone. I couldn't find "1". I looked over at my husband and could tell he was crying. I just hung up the phone. Joseph started fussing. I took him out of the carseat and just held him. The firemen were washing the blood from the street. It smelled like soap. My husband started walking back to the car and I got out and went over to him. He put his arms around me and told me the man had passed away.

The fireman told us that our car was undrivable, it's probably totalled. We can't reuse our carseats he said. We felt so helpless. How do we get home? It almost seemed like it didn't matter. We were all ok, and this poor man had died. I don't care about the car or the carseats I kept thinking. The fireman said that he has four children. His wife could bring their minivan to take us back to the firestation to figure things out. They had carseats there that we could have. He was so understanding and so nice. His wife came and she took Joseph from me and put him in a carseat in her van. I think the fireman helped the other two boys, I honestly don't even remember. She drove us to the firestation, and brought us into one of the offices. She gave the boys coloring sheets and crayons. Jacob didn't want to color. She brought the boys little fireman hats. They loved that. Joshua wanted to explore everything, Jacob asked a thousand questions about everything in sight. The fireman came in to check on us and Jacob asked where his hat was. He went and got his hat and brought it back in to show him. He gave us some water. My husband called the insurance company, they said that they would take care of everything. They sent a rental car to pick us up. The car wasn't big enough to fit three carseats, so the fireman's wife offered to drive us back to the rental car place. She was so kind to us, and so generous. On the drive over she talked about their pumpkin patch and chickens, and invited us to come visit sometime. She helped us get the carseats into the new rental car, she is a trained carseat specialist. The man from the rental car place was even nice. It seemed like everyone was being so unbelievably nice.

It seemed so strange to just get in a car and drive home. We were all quiet the whole drive home. We didn't even know what to say. It was so odd to be home, doing "normal"tasks like feeding the children, changing diapers, putting the boys to bed. It seems so unfair that we are here and all unhurt, and this man has lost his life. We don't even know his name. I guess he didn't have identification on him. We know nothing about him, other than that he was driving a blue motorcycle, and now he is gone. Our lives are now covered in an overwhelming sadness, and such a feeling of helplessness. There is nothing that we can do to "fix" this. There's really not anything we could have done differently. We weren't speeding, or doing anything reckless, we looked carefully both ways before crossing. We were just in the wrong place at the wrong time and it all seems so random. My husband says that it is easier for him, knowing that we didn't do anything "wrong", and I'm sure that he's right, but it also feels so scary that we couldn't have done anything differently to make this not happen. How can everything be ok one minute and then suddenly we are kneeling next to a man who is dying? My husband keeps reassuring me that God has everything in His control. I know he is right. I suppose my weak nature just wants to be able to understand something that cannot be understood.

We are now just trying to get through each day. Jacob is fascinated now with firemen. He was worn that little firehat, and pretended to be a fireman and also a firetruck all weekend. I'm not sure what he knows, or how much he has understood, but I am pretty sure he knows that something bad happened. I am thankful for the kindness of the fireman, and I know that his presence made Jacob feel safer. Joshua and Joseph are both too young to have any understanding that something happened.

I am haunted by the flash of seeing the blue motorcycle and then the sound of the "thunk". I cannot close my eyes without seeing it. I just want to hold everyone close to me and protect them from absolutely everything. Suddenly everything seems like it might be dangerous.

I know that God does not want His children to be scared, but right now I do feel scared. We have each found a little something to hold on to for comfort. My husband wants to sit in his favorite chair and know that we are all close by. I have this sudden need to work endlessly on this cross-stitch project, as if it is so important that I get it done. I'm not sure what I'll do when it's finished. Going to bed is something we both dread, and try to put off for as long as we can. I feel so guilty that I am struggling because I know that someone else has lost a son or husband or brother (we don't even know...) and I know their pain is so much greater than ours. But yet I struggle.

My husband decided to go into work today, I think he needed the distraction. He sent me this verse that was on his calendar today:
Psalm 147:3-5 "He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds. He telleth the number of the stars; he calleth them all by their names. Great is our Lord, and of great power: his understanding is infinite. "

Please keep us in your prayers, but more importantly please keep this young man and his family in your prayers.